talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
