Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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