Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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