Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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