I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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