some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
