Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
