I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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