How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
