Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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