The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
