The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
