who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
i believe in u and ur pee
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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