dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
