u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
