If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
