I'm so fucking centered right now
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
