I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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