How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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