Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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