Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
