There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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