Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
