Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Panties = found
Randomize
