so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
