can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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