Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
tell your sister to shave her snatch
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
