Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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