Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
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