If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize