i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
