im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
