So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
