Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize