In the future we'll all be gay
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
