She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
