I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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