my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
