A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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