Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
