Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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