I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
