She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
