Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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