I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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