Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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