i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
