Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
