i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
