I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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