my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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