Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
