Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
